I’ve often said, “Sometimes I really hate people!” I recently told this to a long-time friend whom I hadn’t seen in a while and she correctly clarified for me that I don’t hate people in general – I hate stupid people!
Speaking of stupid people, can we all agree that the people who put stick figures representing their family on the back window of their minivan qualify as…well, persons that would fit into the category of people identified by my friend as deserving of my strong feelings of aggression towards?
(After all, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by calling them stupid!)
Let me start off my saying I get it; you love your family! Ok, so do I! But you don’t see me putting goofy stickers all over my car window and here’s why you shouldn’t either!
First of all you’re giving further credence to the faulty myth that only soccer moms drive mini vans! Let’s ignore for a moment the strangely xenophobic mentality that is inherent in wanting to be anything but a soccer mom (you don’t hear “American football mom“ being tossed around with such disgust). I’ve been trying to talk the wife into one for years but she always refuses thanks to this stigma surrounding the vehicle.
As much as I want a minivan, I’m glad we don’t have pictures of the 2010 baseball trip where me and 5 other married guys cruised around Florida going to baseball games in a minivan!
The fact is it’s not just moms of small children that drive minivans (let’s avoid the using clichés). My parents who are in their mid 70s drive a minivan when they’re not driving their motorhome (using clichés un-avoided) and it’s not because they’re carting around the grandkids or great-grandkids all the time. It’s because minivans are a versatile means of transportation.
Now enter a minivan with the stick people family portrait. Any goodwill that I may have engendered or progress that I have made trying to convince my wife to get one is instantly gone when she sees that.
Secondly, I don’t understand why people want to advertise the number, gender, favorite hobbies, and, in some cases, the names of their kids to would-be kidnappers. Say I’m a kidnapper (how many of you just said to yourself “I’m a kidnapper?”) and I see your minivan pull up. Now I know that Bobby likes baseball and Sally likes reading. Think how much easier it will be to start up a conversation and win the confidence of Bobby or Sally, especially since I have their mom and dad’s names as well!
Now I know you think I sound like a conspiracy theorist (don’t get me started about JFK) but it also makes sense. The whole “I lost my dog” routine works even better now that the bad guys know the kids also have a dog named Peaches! And let’s face it, it’s not as crazy as telling parents not to buy their kids light-up sneakers because when the kidnappers are chasing them in the dark they’ll be able to see where the kids are going!
Look, now that I’ve gotten this rant out of my system I realize it was wrong of me to call these people stupid. The fact is, I don’t understand why they’d want to put this much of themselves out there for public consumption (and yes, I do see the irony in that statement from someone who tweets 3 or 4 times a day, on a slow day!) And since I don’t understand their motives, it’s just easier to call them stupid.
So if you have these stick people family stickers on the back of your minivan and you want to share with me so I can better understand, please use the PayPal link below to make 5 easy installments of just $19.99. Upon the completion of your payments, I’ll be happy to consider your point of view and re-examine my assertion of your stupidity.